EDGEucation: Victor de Souza fashion show from models perspective

For more photos and an inside view: www.facebook.com/raindovemodel

I arrived to the fashion in a private car and stepped into a swarm of press in my red poofy skirt and white Edwardian shirt. I was not prepared for what would happen.

Hundreds of protesters surrounded me. I had no prescription contact lenses in because I was wearing fake blue ones give me by the designer for the evening.... What the heck did the papers these folks were waving say? I squinted.

Someone hastily shoved a sticker into my hands. It read Save our Horses campaign. "Hold this up so I can take a few photos please." They yelled.

"I'm sorry but what's this for? I don't understand what's going on..." I leaned in so they could hear me better.

"It's for the Save our Horses campaign, I'm from the Daily News, we are going to make you famous girl!" The Daily News reporter was a short excited lady double fisting a flash and a camera.

I rolled my eyes. Everyone with a yacht or a camera has said this to a lady in a dress at some point in their lives. Sigh. "Can you pull this campaign up online so I can look at it?"

"Why? It's just a quick picture!" She furrowed her brow.

"Because I don't want to be published supporting anything I don't actually support."

This seemed to make sense to her, so she pulled it up on her phone. It seemed that the campaign was to keep the horses in the park pulling carriages, it listed the ethical practices used for the horses, and documentation of those ethical practices, it also had a quote about humanizing people through animal exposure. I took the picture.

"Oh one by the carriage too please! One by the horse now! Ohhh can you take one near the driver? Now just one of your alone please-" 

I was getting pulled away by security escorts who were adamant about keeping our group together. There were seven models.... 6 of them had big fluffy white wigs on. I had my natural dark hair spray painted white. I didn't exactly fit in... And because of that, when we got slammed by the real blob of protesters shoving us and screaming, it was no surprise that I fell back and out of security into the crowd. I followed the group of models as various random people called me ugly, hideous, a waste of human life. 

These people didn't even know me. I laughed up loud, which upset many of them. If only they knew I heard this on the daily from other people in my own industry. What were they so angry about?

Apparently, after I questioned a Protester named Rose, it turned out that they were protesting on behalf of PETA against animal abuse, and that they saw the horse carriages as a form of animal abuse. I listened to the facts she gave me.

"They are fed grain that's old and moldy with pigeon poop in it everyday. They never go outside. They have to walk to work everyday no matter the weather, they are neglected, and their owners beat them."

Well... That's a lot of intense information. I surely don't want to support animal husbandry of those proportions. By all means, if this were true I should walk out of is show right now. I mean I grew up on a farm with horses... and these ones seemed pretty fat and happy- still...

But I'm not one to believe facts just because someone yells them out at me. I need time to educate myself and do my own assessment before I act on convictions. I took this as a moment to absorb as much information as possible and investigate.

Someone threw a slushy. It missed its target and hit a reporter... I could see the headlines forming in his disgruntled head already "VIOLENCE IN TIMES SQUARE!!"

I ducked back into the arms of security. It was louder near them, protesters smushed their whole bodies against mine like They could liquefy me by squishing me, security an police yelled at them to get back.

"You're making a big mistake!" "You're so ugly, I don't know how you could be a model!" "Shame shame shame on you!" They changed over and over again. Even an elderly lady about 80 years old was calling me ugly. 

For some reason I couldn't help but laugh through the whole thing. I honestly just needed some information, I had no idea what I was in the middle of. Or minute I was showing p for a fashion show and the next I'm being seen as a supporter of animal abuse.

One particularly loud protester caught up to me. "You're disgusting! Shame on you!"

I turned to her and halted much to the dismay of my security guy. "Look educate don't hate girl... Empower don't devour. Seriously how do you think people like me can make an educated and worthy effort if we don't have the facts? Don't scream and shout at those that you are trying to dissuade... PERsuade them to be a better person. Persuade me. What am I missing out on here? When you publicly shame people, it doesn't make it easy fr them to join your ranks or to see your vision. Calling me or any of my beautiful model friends here ugly is not going to make it simpler for them to help you realize your goal... Which is obviously is to get these horses ethical treatment. And my friends are clearly not hideous or evil. What you are doing is spewing hate language.... Not education language. And you're turning valuable assets against you. So educate don't hate, tell me what's up."

She blinked at me. Then before you know it she went on the same drumroll Rose did as if she had memorized it. Pigeon poop food, beaten horses, never see the light of day etc.

I was shoved into a private car to hide until our carriages were ready.

There were six of us in there. Two of the girls were crying. They hated the fact that this was happening, felt overwhelmed, and on top of that- they were animal lovers. One other girl was foreign and didn't know what was happening, she was just excited about the press then worried when the other models told her it was a bad thing.

When they were ready for us to come out, the whole car was a wreck of fluffed white wigs tweaking out on the static electricity the ceiling provided, feet that forced themselves back into heels, and lipstick stained cigarette butts from the three girls who couldn't help but "destress".

At this point, each model was pushed through the crowd and hoisted in pairs onto carriages. I was put into one by myself. 

Of course.

Someone hands me a Gay Marriage button... For good luck they said.

Photographers are clambering over each other, shoving protesters out of the way to get good shots. I can't help but grin ear to ear, the whole thing is like a drunk version of Circ de Soleil. 

The horse takes off.

Like a soft version of a haunted hayride, the protesters popped out of the woods suddenly, screaming now and again. Their signs waving. Some walked alongside the carriage shoving their papers at me. If only I could read them... But without prescription lenses in I was unable to see anything other than blurry white boxes with scribbles on them. I felt bad for the horse... It must be an awkward day on the job for him.

Speaking of horse... This was a great time to get the other half of the story. So I struck up a convo with my horseman driver Larry.

"Come here often?" I joke.

He laughs and says "I prefer the aggro homeless people to these ones, their scaring my horse."

"Talk to me about your horse sir, seems you care for him, how long have you had him?"

He turns around and smiles, "about nine years. He's actually retiring in two years so these are special times for us."

I look at the horse as it trots forward. It shakes it's head.

"These people seem convinced you are an animal abuser.... Convince me you aren't?"

He sighs and nods. "The horse industry in nyc is heavily monitored due to rights activism in the 60s-now. The animals have an air conditioned facility, work only 3 days a week for 7 hours a day, are walked through the park and not into traffic as protesters suggest, are fed organic grains, purified water, are turned out to pasture in Amish country 3-4 months a year, are not allowed to be whipped or spurred, and must be impeccably groomed. If the protesters win and the horse industry is shut down in NYC... What happens to the horses? They will either be sold to farms where they would spend the rest of their lives working in much less comfortable environments tilling, pulling, and driving- with no air conditioned stables. And the ones who are not able to be sold and evacuate the city horse facility within the deadlines would be euthanized. As in KILLED. That's 483 horses at risk of being put into a much harder way of life or KILLED."

Wow. This was also heavy news.

"Can I visit the stables at any point to see their living environments? I heard they were in the city." I shifted the poofy skirt awkwardly.

"Absolutely, come by anytime you can see any of the horses no problem." Then he gave me his business card.

Suddenly a news reporter comes running alongside the carriage. "Excuse me! Scuse me! How are you feeling right now? Scuse me?" She was gasping for air.

"Why don't you hop in here and ask me." I laugh.

She asks the driver for permission and he pauses the cart for her. She re-adjusts herself. "Ahem, thank you... Er.... How are you feeling?" 

"Great, how are you feeling?"

"Good."

Silence.

"The park is stunning at night isn't it?" I say. A protester throws a cup at the cart. 

"You ugly whore! you are supporting animal abuse!" He shouts angrily.

The reporter looks shocked then turns to me. "How do you feel now?"

I'm beginning to see a pattern into how she conducts her interviews....

"I feel great! Seriously really really great right now."

"You don't feel bad about about what these protesters are saying to you?" She asks.

"No, it's great to see people so passionate about something. I think their delivery is a bit harsh, but it's inspiring to see people exercising their freedom of speech and right to assemble. I'm an animal rights supporter so I can appreciate the intentions of their efforts."

"Do you feel like any of it is striking home for you then as someone who supports animal rights? Do you feel more on the side of the designer or do you feel like an activist?" She's a little more excited now.

"At the current moment I'm doing my job. The designer is actually a very talented and kind man and politics aside, I'm simply a mannequin for his artistic vision tonight... Not his political preferences. As an activist, this is a great opportunity to be educated about a topic I didn't even know was an issue in this city. I've collected information from both sides, but will wait until I'm off the clock to do my OWN research... Then will take action  based on my findings. But, I really can't just take what people tell me and act on it as fact. I have to know it for myself."

She nods and bits her lip. "So... Victor, what's he like?"

"Like I said, personally outside of this horse thing, he's been really kind to me. He's a talented designer, he works hard, and he's unique. Definitely a character."

"Why did he do this horse carriage runway? For the press?"

"To my understanding he just wanted a Victorian styled entrance... Like Cinderella. But you'll have to interview him for that information."

She nods and takes my name. The horse comes to a halt. Protesters surround again chanting. There is a small group of elderly women cheering for me telling me how glamorous I look and how well I did. I have no idea where they came from.

One reporter steps into the carriage foothold and hold a mic in my face. "Victor how did this collection turn out- do you think it was even seen above all the racket?"

I laugh and squeeze my breasts then say in a low voice, "I'm not Victor."

He scuttles away.

Then suddenly before I'm hoisted down, a girl comes running up dressed in all black, she's the drivers daughter. "Dad, are you ok?"

He smiles, "yes it's fine sweetie, are you having fun?"

She nods enthusiastically then whispers loudly "my friends and I are watching.... just in case..." 

I'm whisked into a cab. Somehow, I end up with three older women... instead of the private car with all the models. They commend me and talk about bravery etc.

At the end of the night, after the runway, the lights close, and the people leave I hit a major issue. Someone took my contacts case...with my contacts in them. I'm in so much trouble, I have a fashion show the next day and I won't have the time to get new ones. I'll be walking blind.

I saunter down the street with my friend Kate, she helps me identify streets signs since I can't read them. Ugh. 

Suddenly it hit me, this is how people walk when they don't educate themselves on the things they find passion in.... Blindly. They walk blindly.

For video and photos of the show check out this EPIC blog by WHATTHEDOOST.com

http://whatthedoost.com/2014/09/04/ny-fashion-week-2015-kicks-off-with-victor-de-souza-backstage-access/

FASHION WEEK REJECTION (CAT MEME ILLUSTRATED VERSION)

Today I met two polar opposite casting directors for 

NY Fashion Week castings. 

ONE that was so in love with my look and vibe that she even invited me to a SECOND casting for another brand she was holding last minute. 

And ONE that told me I shouldnt even be in the mens 

industry, 

I was an embarrassment to her casting, 

and to leave immediately--- 

no walk, no handshake, not even the opp to stand up. 

Just like that. Done.

You know how I feel at the end of day with extremes like

 that?

Fucking awesome. 

Look in the end Im focusing on the NOW and the 

FUTURE. That woman who rejected me... she rejectED 

me. In the past. She left me behind and I left her behind 

the minute I walked out of the building. But this other 

person, shes a part of my NOW... and hopefully a part of 

my future.

We can't let our fears of being unloved prevent us from 

loving ourselves.

Keep looking forward and side to side--- but never look 

back.

#mbfw2014 #swerve

www.facebook.com/raindovemodel

6 SEXIST ADVANTAGES GIVEN TO WOMEN THAT MEN DONT GET

I am a fashion model who models as both male AND female. Every day- I walk an extreme line between both genderworlds in order to maintain my believability and success. Recently, a fan sent me a letter which, amongst many things read:

"Rain-I regret to inform u that Im UNLIKING your page. I really admire what u stood for until u posted about the sexist comicbook illustration. I am not sure if u are aware but sexism does not exist in the USA. Women like urself make men like me feel bad for something that was solved a long time ago. It really is shitty because I feel like men have to bend backward to women in our country to avoid being sexist."

www.facebook.com/raindovemodel

Since I HAVE spent a fair amount of time amongst men, identified as male, and treated as male- I have gotten a secret look into their woes and advantages. I have come to realize a while ago that while we want a better equality for women we have to recognize that there ARE unfair opportunities given to women that men don't get. The nature of these opportunities and the reason they are given perpetuate the standards women hold in the eyes of men and within their own female communities. SEXISM GOES BOTH WAYS FOR SURE "Disgruntled Former Fan".

(Hate to talk in binary gender language right now, but it's the easiest way to do this.)

So- in response to the letter above, I have compiled a list of interesting things that women get that men don't. Maybe women ARE taking over?!

1: FREE CLUB ENTRY

This was the first thing that triggered me to write this article. I went out with my guy friends to a club and found myself getting denied free entry... Shelling out about $50 just to cross over the threshold after great scrutiny about what I was wearing from the bouncer. I knew I couldn't afford that kind of cash every time I wanted to socialize as a regular working joe. I also knew though, as a woman, it was difficult to network about business prospects with other men and high rollers... who sat at tables with bottle service and beautiful women around them. I'm not an ugly woman, but let's face it, I look like a drag queen before I look like a hoochiemama. So in order to overcome this, and gain the maximum benefits, I decided to wear a dress and heels in order to gain free entry into the club as well as into the VIP lounge. But once stamped with VIP ink, and in the lounge, I would promptly change into male attire and return to the VIP section to network as a VIP male. Which gave me more power to speak about business engagements. It was insanely difficult as a man to get ANYWHERE for free!

Women often get free entry- no matter their looks, ethnicity, or financial status. The top clubs in NYC will often let in ANY woman off the street as long as she has an ID. She doesn't need to wait in line and she doesn't need to be on a guest list unless it's a private event... And even then- if the dress is short enough....

Men have to wait in line, pay their way, often times they have to know someone to get in. They must have looks or money to get through the door. It's a difficult process,many times each guy is treated as if they are a bloodthirsty monster lunging at the building trying to fuck every girl inside. But this isn't true... Or it's just as true of women.

People go to clubs to dance, hang out, have sex, and do drugs and alcohol. Period. It's rare to find a tourist admiring architecture and lights inside. The whole, let women in FREE thing perpetuates the idea that they are sex objects because when a man has to buy his way in, it's almost as if the club is saying that the money includes the experience/opp of free women. And that my friends is slaughterhouse prostitution. Pay your way women.

2: CLOTHING VARIETY

Heading into a store with some guy friends to shop, I agonized over the experience prior. I hate shopping and when I go with women to shop for femme clothes it can take hours and I get overloaded with decisions. However, to my surprise our experience only took 30 minutes... Why?

Women just downright have more variety. I know it sounds funny to say and many people are probably staring at this like DUH. But it's true. They have all the classic garments known to be worn such as dresses, skirts, sweaters, capes, turtlenecks, blouses, leggings, socks, heels, boots, belts, earrings, ring rings, watches AND all the "modern" fashions of men too. That means pants, suspenders, sneakers, bow ties, neck ties, collared shirts, tshirts, cuff links and hats of every variety. If a woman wears suspenders, a bowler, bow tie, black pants, and a white collared shirt... As long as she has a streak of lipstick on this will always be considered a sexy choice or a power choice.

Men are limited to just men's fashions. They have pants, suspenders, sneakers, bow ties, neck ties, collared shirts, tshirts, cuff links and hats of every variety. But that's it. A guy friend once expressed to me that he loves the feeling of kilt wares but feels he can't wear them because they are hard to find and women will laugh. In the fashion world there are plenty of femme wares for men... But in the commercial consumer world there's no room for it.

Go to H&M in NYC and there are three floors of women's clothing and one floor divided between men's clothing and baby clothing. No WONDER men don't shop often. I mean- what's there to buy? It's not fair that a man can't find a silky blouse or a skirt or even a dress that they like and buy it without feeling rejected or fearing being treated like there is something wrong with their sexuality. In my opinion just because you are male and like to wear a dress doesn't make you a cross dresser or a tranny any more than a girl wearing pants does. It's JUST clothing. Our version of "fur" in the animal world... And we should be wearing what feels comfortable.

3: INSURANCE

While going into an insurance agency a few years ago to seek car insurance, the secretary thought I was male. She sat me down, got me coffee, and as I asked about rates etc- she handed me various stacks of paperwork with obscene numbers on them. As I gawked at my estimated pay weight, and angel of gender knowledge swept into the room to borrow a pen and asked if I were being treated like a proper lady. The associate handling my inquiry turned bright red and apologized, starting our process over again and before I knew it, my insurance rate was miraculously cut almost in half. One quick slip of the truth that a dick didn't sit in my pants and suddenly they trusted me more. Which lead me to note...

Women typically pay less for insurance. Maybe the statistics of women not putting the pedal to the metal are true, but they aren't true of all women. And the stats that men are more reckless is not true of all men. The fact is that women can pay up to 50% less for insurance on their vehicles- and that's great for women. Who doesn't want a financial break?

But the fact is that men have to pay up to 50% more. And that's not fair. It's discrimination. It's like saying that because a majority of people in prison in Indiana are black, that all black people are criminals. Or that since there is a high strain of aids in the gay community that all gay people will contract it. Or that because the majority of our presidents are white that all white people are trying to take over the world. Anyways- I'm getting carried away.

I'm just saying that insurance companies don't look at people on an individual basis. A man can be the most careful and wonderful driver all his life. My pepere has been driving since cars were made (I think...) and he still drives to this day. He's very careful and hasn't hit any more children than you or I. I think we should run insurance on a merit and demerit system where all people pay equal in the beginning and then pay more as they mess up more. I bet Asians will skyrocket through the roof! (Juuuuuuuust kidding, but see how offensive that was? That's how it feels!)

4: OFF THE BOAT

As a former firefighter, I've been in life or death situations. One time, when my new crew thought I was male, we got stuck in the middle of a blaze with only one copter to transport. Which mean that two of us had to stay on the ground. They had me stay. While at the same time they took the only female firefighter, the female crew leader and an injured crew member. When the copter took off, we knew that there was a chance we could be injured or perhaps even die. And we knew the reason we were left behind first was due to the fact that women, children, and handicapped members' life value came before our own. Since we have "penises" and a potentially higher tolerance for abuse, apparently it's just easier that way.

Seriously during an emergency it's WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST. Fire, tornado, boat sinking, etc men suddenly go down in value. Now this is a Controversial one but let's address it anyways because it's something women get that men don't get. THEIR LIVES. When a boat is sinking, the life rafts are lowered over the side and women and children are urged to usher themselves into the crafts first while the men stand on the boat and potentially drown. This chivalry is great for creating order and dignity with death... And as someone who has huge tits it's great for me.

However, as a guy- this is a difficult one. What it says is that you are not worth saving. That you MUST die for your partner. But what about equality. Why won't a woman place a guy first? We are in the 21st century and nobility can go both ways. If women wants equal knighthood power, they must be able to wield it. It's not fair that during a disaster all men must die. Fathers can be single parents too you know. And there is a HIGH ENOUGH POPULATION OF WOMEN IN THE WORLD TO REPOPULATE... So no need to worry about THAT.

It's cruel and harsh to think about letting anyone die. But if we must, don't let it be because they have a wiggle in their underwear.

5: THE ROCK

I've never proposed to anyone, but I HAVE been denied engagement to a male due to the fact that my partner never could save up enough for a ring. And he was too ashamed to admit it even though I would've accepted just his word. Because in this day and age...

Women get that big shiny high priced ENGAGEMENT RING. Usually thousands of dollars, diamond, gold, silver studded... The ring is the modern equivalent to a dowery. So if things don't work out, at least she has something worth her time.

Any guy who wants to pop the question is expected to produce a ring that says he means it. Very few men have that relief of knowing that she will accept a piece of string... Or the anticipation that they will be receiving a $5k watch. The size and cut of the ring determine essentially the amount of effort he's willing to put into their long term relationship.

But what about HER effort? Seriously how many women propose to men? In this day and age, when women ARENT property and DONT want to be treated as such, why are they still expecting to be paid for? If she can divorce him as easily as he can divorce her, then there must NOT be as many shackles in the relationship as there used be... There must be SOME kind of freedom.

A marriage is an equal investment in this modern time, women AND men can both own homes, cars, be employed, raise kids, have pets, the whole nine yards. So why not START the marriage off on an equal foot by investing in each other equally.

6: MOMMY TIME

I was hired as a private in home caregiver a while back, specifically as a male in order to help a mother with her newborn baby. She needed an extra hand because she was exhausted caring 24/7 for the child. And after a few intense nights where heated discussions erupted between her and her husband about being involved in tach others lives, it came out that the reason they hired a male caregiver was to replace the sense of masculinity that the father would've provided had he received a Paternity leave... Which essentially doesn't exist.

Women get Maternity leave when the baby pops out. Anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months of sweet paid vacation in order to recover and provide adequate care to her newborn poop factory. This is one of the greatest and most humane gifts of the career world... The opportunity to spend the beginning of your child's life in it's presence without fear of losing your job.

Men don't get this opportunity. It's true that they didn't crack their genitals open and spew out a human life. Or that they didn't trudge around for nine months with a turkey sized tummy that demanded to eat every weird thing in sight. But they DID have to deal with the woman who did. (Unless of course he was abroad, they had a surrogate, orrrrr the baby wasn't his and she was good at hiding her Buddha belly).

Anyways, when this beautiful new life comes into his- why doesn't HE get Paternity leave? Doesn't a baby have a right to spend the first bit of it's existence with BOTH parents since they will be making an EQUAL investment in it's future? Men deserve to have paid leave to care for their growing family in an intimate and present way. They deserve to spend the first development stages of wonder in the brilliance of nursing, cooing, and cradling. And the woman deserves to have him with her to share the moment. Neither parent should have to worry about losing their jobs over bringing another being into the world. Parents are EQUAL balancing entities. Period.

CONCLUSION

I realize through all of these experiences that we live in a world where things aren't as black and white as the first televisions that broadcasted gender role propaganda. This time of LADIES FIRST is coming to a strange standstill in the light of a shifting culture that's even redefining what IS a woman. Binary gender identification, current gender neutral tech jobs, and new priority in lifestyles for survival have lead to an increasingly equalizing community. It's not perfect now, and it may never be. But it's changing. Because people are demanding change.

If we truly want equal rights for men and women, we must demand equal rights for PEOPLE.

ALL PEOPLE.

And stop this tug of war, team by gender thing. We must see each other as INDIVIDUALS. I must see YOU for you and your definitive actions. And YOU must see ME for me and my definitive actions.

That's when women will truly be free. And men will be too.

(Ps: There's nothing wrong with chivalry, it's most welcomed....by all PEOPLE.)

Beyonce Picture:

https://www.google.com/search?q=man+wearing+a+wedding+ring+funny&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=H6z4U5K9KOW-sQSWxIGYBg&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAQ&biw=1173&bih=611#q=woman+in+club+funny&tbm=isch&facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=hFsMhCxfLHiJ-M%253A%3BLCB_GbJqFq32_M%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fcdn.themetapicture.com%252Fmedia%252Ffunny-gif-Beyonce-dancing.gif%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fthemetapicture.com%252Fgirls-at-the-club%252F%3B500%3B324

Dress:

https://www.google.com/search?q=man+wearing+a+wedding+ring+funny&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=H6z4U5K9KOW-sQSWxIGYBg&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAQ&biw=1173&bih=611#q=man+in+dress&tbm=isch&facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=2v5jPEnknVhsfM%253A%3BCLaN77Y6WmNoAM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252F2.bp.blogspot.com%252F-79KAhKVb1vg%252FT1PAAYe7HxI%252FAAAAAAAAARU%252FaERuQaPuVF0%252Fs1600%252Fpf-0829.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Ffeminisingsteve.blogspot.com%252F%3B384%3B540

NO SHIRT- YES SERVICE!

Every time I go to the the ladies room I make sure to unbutton my shirt before entering. Because what almost always happens is that there tends to be some young highschooler popping their gum in the corner or some elderly straight-postured women primping their faces in the bathroom who begin "SIRENING" when I appear.

Sirening is when the lady begins to scream, wail, or cry out in a fashion that might require exterior assistance.

Ive been pepper sprayed, hit by more purses then I can count, and even thrown out/ confronted by security guards so damned often.

In the beginning, I used to have a lot of anxiety about using the restroom.  I didnt have a penis so the mens room was not really the best territory... because the only people who use a toilet in there have problems or poo.

With the ladies room, I began developing habits- like waiting in my stall for the bathroom to clear if possible- before coming out to wash my hands. Or dashing in as fast as possible, head down- slouching slightly so that people dont notice my giant 6'2 height and broad shoulders.

One day though- I had been pushed too far. A pile of things had accumulated throughout the day and I had a rare moment of angst i just couldnt shake. I had to use the restroom pretty badly- and as I was entering, this woman gave me the dirtiest look. And it just tipped me over that edge. So I said "Excuse me- whats wrong with your face?" She said "Whats wrong with YOU? This is the ladies room!"

I just ripped my shirt off right then and there. Then proceeded to also take off my bra. She gasped, "Im so sorry sir- maam- I mean I couldnt tell your shirt was so big- and-" With that she scuttled away.

I walked into that bathroom completely topless- much to the shock of the people in there. No one said a thing, no one left, everyone just stared until I washed my hands and left.

I would like to say that with my newfound confidence, I dont have to prove anything to anyone when I go into either restroom- but with womens, unless I wanted to be beaten to death by makeup bags, and peppersprayed in the eyes with perfumes... Ive got to.

Now days, I dont necessarily walk into a bathroom topless- but I DO flash my tits like police badges. Ill walk in there on occasion with a really low voice and a Jersey cop accent and say "Scuse me ladies, official business, official business."

Sometimes when a woman yells at me "Excuse me sir- you cant be in here-" Ill turn around to see who shes talking to and fixate on teh most feminine person I can see if theres anyone else there. Then in a valley girl voice Ill say to that femme girl "Yeah- totally rude."

The thing is that I cant hate on these ladies for judging me like this. I mean lets face it- with a handsome mug like this, the height, shoulders, and swagger... I DO aesthetically come off as male half the time. And the women who hit me, push me, yell out... they are just protecting other women from the dangers of what my potential penis could mean for the room.

So for their bravery I salute them. With my hand. Since I can not do a penis salute.

 (PS: I only use the mens room when their lines are shorter PLUS I can totally get in there without anyone noticing I feel like Mulan whenever I do)

In My Pants

I Keep getting asked about THE DEEPER MEANING BEHIND THIS PHOTO. 

So here it is.

Pants make me feel safe. I hide behind them, in them, and through them. 

They allow me to transform and present myself into the appearance of a white MALE when worn properly. 

And in this country to be MALE is still more powerful than female. To be WHITE holds power too.

Presenting as a female to most career opportunities and social situations that rely on commercially authentic lady looks has never gained me much.

But through my jeans I discovered that when people think I'm a white male I get more trust, protection, and respect.

In NYC even I've been experimenting with Craigslist. I've applied to several gigs as a landscaper, handyman, 
bartender, server, plumber, etc. I've done so equally as a male and a female.

As a female I was able to babysit, do one landscaping gig (after putting in my response I was a lesbian), one handyman gig (after putting in my response that I'm a lesbian), and work as a cocktail waitress. I've applied to over 30 gigs as a female and have been hired for five.

As a male I have applied to 34 gigs. I have received only four rejections for my services. I have worked as a plumber, electrician, landscaper, bartender, server even consultant at a Wallstreet event  I had previously applied to as a woman and been rejected for.

I learned a long time ago that it was much safer and beneficial to look like an attractive young white male than a woman of any ethnicity.

And I've been exploiting that.

People say it's wrong. They say I should be proud of my femininity and that I should learn how to find my way as a powerful woman into success.

But I have.

It's called capitalism.

I'm selling a product... Me. And I want to be worth as much as I can so that when people buy me, I make more. What's worth more in this country than a white man? 

Times are changing slowly, and that may not be the case in the not so distant future...but for now it is. And I intend to capitalize on that. Because I KNOW I don't make as much as. 6'2 androgynous woman... and you can't expect me to just roll over and take that can you? Hell no! It's called marketing and branding folks! And sometimes you've got to rebrand yourself to have a higher chance at success and market yourself appropriately.

People ask me... What about women's rights? Aren't you perpetuating the idea that white men are better than everyone else by conforming to look like one?

The answer is yes and fuck no. When I apply to places, I'm essentially pulling a Mulan. People hire me based on their connectivity to my email, image, and references sided with their general predetermined needs for the position. When a woman gets hired as a man to do a job that a man should be doing, and can successfully perform it without being detected as a woman... It says women are of equal capability.

For me though, this isn't about women's rights. It's about survival rights.

If I'm trained, skilled, and capable of doing the same labor typically given to males then I should be allowed to pursue it. As long as my performance reflects an equivalent nature of those around me in that field. To deny me the ability to do so simply because I have tits and a knack for shooting out babies is to say that I don't have the same survival rights as everyone else. 

And everyone deserves the equal right to survive.

It's not about the gender. It's bout the skills we have to survive, thrive, and apply.

So for me, I have found my skillsets. Plumbing, electricity, carpentry, nannying, cooking, cleaning, landscaping, and most importantly... Appearing as whoever the fuck I need to to get the job.

I'm an not my gender. I am me.

Are YOU?


Demand more rights to survive.

Strong Arming the Boundaries

Back in the days of Wildfire Fighting, I used to think it was the coolest thing to be super buff. That an attractive quality in a female was to be able to throw a man over your head. And that an attractive quality in a male was to be able to throw the woman back.

In the modeling industry, women are encouraged to have toned but noodlesque arms that are pleasing but not visibly strong. Too much bicep and suddenly the woman is considered masculine and ugly.

In the same regard men come in a variety of flavors. Some are fit models with rippling biceps and pecs. Others are twinks with similar noodley formed guns as the women. 

Why can't both be acceptable for both? Why can women be seen in a soft wedding dress with blazing pythons? Or in a casual flowing cupped sleeve shirt with bursting biceps and forarms? Why is the commercial world so afraid of physically strong women? Why must women water down their exercise routines to avoid being able to lift a couple chainsaws at a time?

Our world is no longer a one where we need to tiptoe around the same life and death labor decisions our nomadic ancestors had to. Our work field has diversified in skill and our households diversified in provision. It should be ok for people to nurture their bodytypes in manners that are comfortable and healthy. Without restriction.

I am both a slender male and a well figured female. And either way I could carry you from a burning building. My ability to do makes me neither more or less attractive in either gender form. Or more or less capable of being addressed in either gender form.

If someone doesn't find you appealing just the way you are, it's fine. You aren't going to marry them so move on. Find someone who loves every inch of your body and soul. Because at the end of the day we spend so much time pleasing others because their happiness makes us happy. If it didn't... We wouldn't try so hard.

So here's a secret shortcut. Make YOU happy in the first place and you'll cut out the middle people.

(This blog is the first one in a while. So hang in there! More will be coming shortly!)