Saturday, June 7, 2014


Every time I go to the the ladies room I make sure to unbutton my shirt before entering. Because what almost always happens is that there tends to be some young highschooler popping their gum in the corner or some elderly straight-postured women primping their faces in the bathroom who begin "SIRENING" when I appear.

Sirening is when the lady begins to scream, wail, or cry out in a fashion that might require exterior assistance.

Ive been pepper sprayed, hit by more purses then I can count, and even thrown out/ confronted by security guards so damned often.

In the beginning, I used to have a lot of anxiety about using the restroom.  I didnt have a penis so the mens room was not really the best territory... because the only people who use a toilet in there have problems or poo.

With the ladies room, I began developing habits- like waiting in my stall for the bathroom to clear if possible- before coming out to wash my hands. Or dashing in as fast as possible, head down- slouching slightly so that people dont notice my giant 6'2 height and broad shoulders.

One day though- I had been pushed too far. A pile of things had accumulated throughout the day and I had a rare moment of angst i just couldnt shake. I had to use the restroom pretty badly- and as I was entering, this woman gave me the dirtiest look. And it just tipped me over that edge. So I said "Excuse me- whats wrong with your face?" She said "Whats wrong with YOU? This is the ladies room!"

I just ripped my shirt off right then and there. Then proceeded to also take off my bra. She gasped, "Im so sorry sir- maam- I mean I couldnt tell your shirt was so big- and-" With that she scuttled away.

I walked into that bathroom completely topless- much to the shock of the people in there. No one said a thing, no one left, everyone just stared until I washed my hands and left.

I would like to say that with my newfound confidence, I dont have to prove anything to anyone when I go into either restroom- but with womens, unless I wanted to be beaten to death by makeup bags, and peppersprayed in the eyes with perfumes... Ive got to.

Now days, I dont necessarily walk into a bathroom topless- but I DO flash my tits like police badges. Ill walk in there on occasion with a really low voice and a Jersey cop accent and say "Scuse me ladies, official business, official business."

Sometimes when a woman yells at me "Excuse me sir- you cant be in here-" Ill turn around to see who shes talking to and fixate on teh most feminine person I can see if theres anyone else there. Then in a valley girl voice Ill say to that femme girl "Yeah- totally rude."

The thing is that I cant hate on these ladies for judging me like this. I mean lets face it- with a handsome mug like this, the height, shoulders, and swagger... I DO aesthetically come off as male half the time. And the women who hit me, push me, yell out... they are just protecting other women from the dangers of what my potential penis could mean for the room.

So for their bravery I salute them. With my hand. Since I can not do a penis salute.

 (PS: I only use the mens room when their lines are shorter PLUS I can totally get in there without anyone noticing I feel like Mulan whenever I do)